Past Homepage Headlines:

6.7.06 // You might think I'm lying. You might think that I just make stuff up like some bat-shit crazy mad man. But I'm not kidding when I tell you that the Cooters won another game. That's TWO IN A ROW. And being in the playoffs, this game actually counted! You can't say that Cooters don't pull through when the chips are down.

Of course, the big win was once more against the Heuterz. They are the only team on the league we've ever beaten, which might sting their egos a bit and doesn't really speak well for their KB skills, but the Cooters will take anything they can get.

5.31.06 // What the eff, the Cooters actually won a game. It was Cooters v. Heuterz in a match to the death, and it was the Cooters who finally emerged victorious. Bloodied and battered from the intensity of giving it our all, the Cooters reached a new level this week, with too many standout performances to count, including honorary Cooter Joan, who represented her Heuterz in a post-game party. You see, Cooters and Heuterz live together in perfect harmony, so why even play favorites? When it comes to Cooters and Heuterz, you can have your cake and eat it, too.

5.25.06 // We lost by the smallest spread yet, which is completely indicative of the Cooters' insatiable drive for constant improvement.

5.10.06 // A good portion of the team, Webmaster Dan included, neglected to attend the first game of the Greasy Cooters' Season 5, but the second game brought out the full team in attack formation. There was beer, blood, and balls: the three B's of kickball. Of course, the Cooters could sell their souls to the devil and still not win a game, but you can't say we don't put in the effort. That being said: we lost.

But it's just because we don't have our new uniforms yet. So watch out for us next week, bitches.

10.13.05 // UTTER. RETARDED. DEBAUCHERY. I'm always up for a healthy dose of bad behavior, but ho-lee shit. Tonight was the championship game. And although I'm pretty sure the history books will say we lost, every single Cooter was a winner tonight, because we PARTIED like winners.

Or at least that's what we're telling ourselves. But what other team would even dare bring an Ice Luge and do Jag Bongs at a championship kickball game? No sane one at least. So technically, we win for sheer ingenuity and for balls out audacity. Right? RIGHT??

Oh, and after this devastating loss, we may need to scale down the budget for that Greasy Cooters Disney movie I mentioned last week. C-List actors only. We're talking Lorenzo Lamas as T-Bone, Gretta Scacchi and Shannon Tweed as the leading ladies, and I'm sure we can fit that ugly Baldwin in somewhere.

10.06.05 // Webmaster Dan got on base twice tonight, resulting in at least one RBI (or RKI, I suppose), and he even managed to cross homeplate himself. That's all you need to know.

Oh, and I guess I should mention that we won the game and are headed to the division championship. Some errors were made and we didn't exactly make friends with the opposing team, but we can blame that on the frosty weather and the general tension created by what can only by considered the highest of all stakes: that once in a lifetime opportunity to be official MUSA Kickball Champions.

When Disney finally makes a movie about our unlikely victory, we're gonna need an amped-up Russell Crowe to portray Luigi. Bad Apples is going to play himself, because there is no substitute and because there ain't an insurance company in the world that would cover an actor to play that role. And clear your working calendar, Olsen Twins, because you're gonna wanna be involved in this tearjerker. Finally, the role of T-Bone is to be played by Wesley Snipes, because Mickey Rourke is already committed to other projects.

9.29.05 // There once was a time when The Sports Page only served 3.2 beer. (For all y'all out-of-towners, 3.2 beer is half the alcohol but twice the fun). That time has passed. After far too many rounds of Jagermeister and some rousing Tom Jones Karaoke, we have decided that we are proud of tonight's tie game. Sure, it wasn't exactly a victory, per say, but we were unstoppable on defense. Except when we were stoppable. Honestly, I can't remember most of the actual game. Did I mention that The Sports Page isn't just a 3.2 bar anymore? Cuz it's totally not.

P.S. if you were at the game and you didn't fall asleep to the killer sounds of Motley Crue's Girls Girls Girls ringing thru your head over and over and over and over and over then you weren't paying attention.

9.22.05 // We didn't quite get across home plate this week, but there was such an excess of team spirit that we all left with bruised asses. If you want to know why, then just ask our team manager T-Bone to demonstrate the Cooter Five for you. Trust me. You'll love it.

9.15.05 // The school was ruled. We owned. All night. That good old cooter vibe was back in spades. Who knows what the final score was, and who cares, cuz we owned.

9.08.05 // So we lost by a point. Big deal. A few Cooters may have taken things a little too seriously this week, as if most five year olds don't play this game better than we do. But that's cool, cuz as Cooters we are used to repairing damage.

8.25.06 // The first game of Greasy Cooters season four starts tonight at 9pm sharp. Bring your A-Game.

6.28.05 // So the season's over. We lost the last game but not without a fight, I'll tell you what. Another eleven-inning game ended in defeat, but not before Birfday Boy Lambert planted his face in the dirt with a righteous slide into second base, earning him the title of MVP. The Greasy Cooters ended the season with a 3 - 4 record. Our best ever. Fall season can only get better, bitches. See you in August. (You should definitely look at the pics in the scrapbook if you're in the mood for a real tearjerker. And lots of Jagermeister).

6.28.05 // Just in case you can't figure out how to read the spreadsheet schedule thing, tonight's game is at 8pm. Plus as an added bonus, it's Lambert's birfday.

6.21.05 // In a true testament to Cooter perserverence, the Greasy Cooters went 11 rounds with Last One's Picked and came out victorious. It was unlike anything ever seen in the history of kickball. We shit you not. Check out the scrapbook section for proof. There were so many documentable moments that it took two full volumes to show them all. We're totally not shitting you.

6.14.05 // Even the pouring rain and the muddy puddles couldn't stop the Cooters from giving the Naughty School Kids some pretty fierce competition this week on the field. The Cooters may have lost, but that doesn't mean we didn't have them running scared for a good half an inning or so. But there were stellar plays all around.